Direct Consultation with Children

Involving Children and Young People

Research shows that children whose parents are separating or divorcing often feel that their opinions are not being heard about the decisions being made about their future. Whilst children want parents to make the decisions they want things to be explained to them and to have a chance to explain how they feel. Even very young children can be surprisingly perceptive about the situation in their family.

Children can also feel caught between their parents, afraid to say what they really feel for fear of upsetting a parent.

FAME offers a "Direct Consultation with Children" service for parents involved in mediation. The children meet with the mediator either singly or together depending on age and circumstances. Through a mixture of activities and discussion the child is given the opportunity to talk to someone who isn’t part of the family. It is explained to the child that the Mediator will only report back to their parents any information the child has agreed to.

"It helped me understand what my parents thought was best for me and my brother" Comment from child

"It was helpful to find out about what my daughter liked and didn’t like relating to her parents’ separation. I don’t think I would have known about these otherwise." Comment from parent

The Effects of Divorce and Parental Separation on Children

A basic guide for parents to enable you to minimise the effects of parental separation on your children

Separation/divorce is usually a painful and difficult time of change. Rather than an event, it is a process that family members can learn to cope with and survive.

For children, research shows that it is the level of on-going conflict more than the actual separation that causes long term emotional damage.

This section offers basic guidance to parents to enable them to minimise the effects on their children and to continue as caring parents.

Family breakdown affects everyone. Children can be helped to cope if those around them offer sensitive advice and support.

What do we say to our children?

• Most children understand far more than adults think. Do give them factual information - what is happening, how they are going to see the other parent etc.
• Use words that are appropriate for the age of your child.
• Do reassure children that you will always be their mother/father and that separation/divorce cannot change that. Try to say the same thing for the other parent.
• Try not to blame the other parent and, if at all possible, share the responsibility.
• Reassure children that you and the other parent will continue to make decisions about them and that both parents still love them.

How will they feel?

• Try to remain aware of your children's feelings, even if it is painful for you. They will need to talk about what is happening, if not to you maybe to a friend, teacher or family member. However, if family members are taking sides this may not be a good idea.
• Remember that nearly all children want their parents to remain together. Many children feel, however briefly, somehow responsible for the separation. You can help by reminding them that you and the other parent still love them even though you have made a decision to divorce/separate. Emphasise that it is not their fault.
• Don’t use your children as messengers or to gain information on your former partner. Being in the middle is very hard for a child, producing divided loyalties and tension. Although it can be difficult for you, try to communicate directly with your ex-partner.

What can we do?

• Establish a regular pattern of contact with both parents as soon as possible (FAME may be able to help you negotiate this with your ex-partner, if you are finding it difficult). Most children need and continue to love both parents even when the parents no longer love each other. Although some parents may want a ’clean break’ from each other, this is rarely what the children want or need.
• If you have real fears about your children’s or your own safety with a former partner, you should probably seek legal advice.
• Tell your children's school that you are separating. They will be able to support your child and will also be in a position to let you know if your child is experiencing any difficulties at school.
• Explain any changes to your children. If you are going to move house this may involve children in more loss eg: friends, school. Be prepared to address concerns like whether a family pet can go, or will they have their own room.

How will they cope?

• Be prepared for changed behaviour, at least in the short term, i.e. regression, withdrawal, anger, acting out, a drop in school standards. Any reaction will be influenced by the age and understanding of the child.
• Ask your children what each family member can do to help everyone cope. They may have useful ideas and, at the very least, may feel less powerless.
• Short term counselling may be available for children/young people which acknowledges the difficulties they may experience at the time.

Your Mediator will be able to discuss any of these issues with you and help you plan how you can lessen the effects of relationship breakdown for your children.

Click here to download FAME’s Direct Consultation with Children leaflet